Tales from the hole

I thought I would never go back. 

I really did. 

For months now I've been feeling great

fearless

anxiety free

i even started loving myself a bit more 

                                                            -let's be honest, I never did and never will, I am just trying to impress all of you about how much better I got

not anymore

I just feel as I felt 3 years ago

drowning in the deepest hole I've ever been 

feeling rejected everywhere I went 

being an afterthought 

thinking about disappearing 

Hello 

I am back

you are not good enough 

your face is not good enough

your body is not good enough

you don't have friends

you know people but they don't really love you 

you will die alone 

you won't make new friends

and the ones that you think you have will abandon you eventually

meeting guys? don't make me laugh

you had 3 opportunities already

they didn't love you

all they wanted was sex

one wanted to stop being virgin 

two wanted to have sex without feelings when you needed them to survive

three chocked you until you couldn't breath to fulfill his fantasies 

you broke his heart

you are bad

you are mean 

you dumped him when he needed you

because you were having anxiety and GETTING FAT 

but what was it compared with the pain that he suffered?

you are bad

fear of rejection 

I can't even meet someone new 

there is always this voice in the back of my head 

I can't shut it up

it had been sleeping for some time now 

but it woke up yesterday

I am scared 

I want to blow my head

I want to take all my sleeping pills and never wake up again