when I was happy, in love and with anxiety

I just can't stop crying

I have this weight in my chest that I can't get rid off

four days ago I was so happy that I didn't know how to put thoughts into words

I have been crying for three days straight

a friend once told me 'kill your inner saboteour' and that's what I am trying to do 

but I can't

I feel like a piece of shit for feeling things that I don't know if they flow the same way back 

people is telling me to enjoy but I can't 

I feel like I am going to be broken again - and I can't take being broken after all these years.

I forgot what it meant liking someone 

I forgot how it felt the touch of someone else on my skin 

and I am getting scared of all the things that are appearing in my mind 

I just want to be okay 

I don't believe in God but I pray to my grandad everyday for him to watch over me and make 

everything go right

and I hope he listens 

(june 2nd 2019)

Dying to hold hands with you again

To feel you soft skin

And kiss it until I fell asleep

Is what I desire the most

I can't even touch my legs without thinking it could have been your hand touching them last night but I slept by myself

The day when I needed you the most and you fell asleep in your bed 

It's okay

Im not mad

But that feeling of emptiness when you touch someone and then don't touch them back for a week

My skin needs healing

This week has been hard

Very rough

I thought I might spend tonight with who I want to spend days with

He didnt reply my messages

He didnt answer the phone

Did he forgot that we agreed to meet tonight? Did he forgot that I told him that as soon as I was going to leave work I would tell him?

Am I taking things too far?

Am I just for fun or does he really want to spend time with me?

Problem is that what I wanted to feel I feel it with him

But

Does he?

(june 8th 2019)

people make wishes tonight around a fireplace

they burn bad vibes and leave them behind

and they make wishes for this year

I wish for you to stay

I wish for sleepy summer nights with the air con on 

I wish for countless talks 

I wish for this feeling to last 

I wish for things to be okay 

-because it always seems that when I’m okay (not happy) something bad comes along- I mentally pray to my grandad for things to be okay

I wish for you to stay in my life 

people say that the third time is the good one and you are the third R that enters my life

It would be okay for you to stay

stay

love

kiss

sleep

and stay a little longer 

(june 23rd 2019)

I've been thinking about this for a while now

Social anxiety is at its peak

I feel insecure that's why I always wear black -so people can't see me 

It feels weird -everything does- and people I used to know behave like total strangers

And I feel bad

Was it something that I did? Was it something that I said? 

Why isn't your message coming through? 

Can I apologise for whatever I did so everything goes back to normal?

(july 1st 2019)

Take your pills

I dont want to have a panic attack

Take your pills

I dont want to have a panic attack

Take the pills

I am starting to have a panic attack

Take the pills

I am already crying because today will be the longerst friday night

Swallow the pill

If he hurts you, forget him

(july 5th 2019)

I need to breath

I need to remember how to do it 

I have something inside my chest that is stopping me from doing it

'Why did I do that?' 'Was the right thing?' 'Was it annoying?' I can't help myself 

I need to take it out

Will this happen again? Will I feel the same again? Will this remorse feeling ever stop? 

I know what I want but this feelings weren't planned

(july 17th 2019)

I connected my tinder profile again

I dont know why

Is it because I am looking for something or because I am feeling alone?

(august 19th 2019)

I need a break from life

From my head

From living 

From life

From feelings

From people

From everything you could ever imagine

(september 3rd 2019)

you apologised to me

you were going to come

and you dumped me again

(october 2019)