lost letter to R

I don't know if you will ever get to read this
I don't even know if you will understand
but I am trying.

I wasn't feeling good, my mind was fucked
and so my body. You know how uncomfortable was for me to take my clothes off most of the days
eventhough you saw me naked countless times
but you were giving me anxiety.
I loved you but I didn't want to
I wasn't myself so you were happy
and you were
until I told you I wasn't -and all you said weren't supportive words.
You needed someone to be next to you 24/7
I wasn't that someone
and I'm sorry that I hurt you because I didn't mean to.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to find someone that can love me as much as you did
-because you don't love me anymore and that's ok-
but I know I won't.
All the boys I found so far are not okay
you know, boys, not men -don't read this but I have a crush on someone. He will never know. He will leave my life eventually and that's okay (he may have forgotten about me already and that's fine)
It's all so heartless for kids nowadays. They don't love. Just wanna fuck and leave all the feelings behind
and I just need someone who can tell me that everything's gonna be alright.